Fresh air

Yesterday, Phoebe had an MRI of her brain and a CT scan of her belly, lungs and pelvis. There once was a time when writing something like that down was difficult. Today, all of this just seems normal although I know it is the farthest thing from that. The last two weeks have been some of the hardest weeks we have ever had and each day brings new challenges, questions, worries and fears. We are taking things one day at a time.

The MRI shows improvement. This is good. The medicine that was helping with this has since been stopped however, and the doctors are discussing if they need to start it again to optimize Phoebe's recovery. The reason it was stopped is because it can suppress the bone marrow and we desperately need Phoebe's bone marrow to recover. Each day is a long discussion of risk versus benefit and there are no clear answers. The CT scan shows that the spots on Phoebe's lungs that the doctors think are fungus, are bigger and overall her lungs look worse. This is not good news, especially considering that Phoebe is being treated for a fungal infection with the best medicines that are available. The doctors are all putting their heads together and the surgeons have also looked at the scans and they have weighed risk versus benefit and decided that the best way to give Phoebe a chance to beat this is to go in surgically to remove one of the lesions. They will be unable to remove both as it will simply be too dangerous and too invasive for Phoebe. The lesions, or spots, are not on the outside of the lungs, rather they are close to the heart, which makes all of this more complicated. As usual, Phoebe is taking the long and hard road.

The surgery is tentatively scheduled for Monday. It is major surgery and we are completely overwhelmed, worried and scared, but we are also hopeful that once completed, Phoebe will have one less burden standing in her way to a complete recovery. We will also finally know exactly what these spots are and hopefully be able to tailor treatment.

Phoebe is doing okay. She is sleeping most of the day and when she is up, she is not interested in doing very much. Today we were able to get outside for a walk around the hospital grounds which was nice for all of us and Phoebe seemed to enjoy it. Each time we stopped to look at something, she told me to keep walking but when we started walking back to the hospital, she cried that she wanted to go home. I think she thought we were walking home like we used to do. One day we will.

We have small victories each day. Today,we got out for a walk, we saw a tiny decrease in Phoebe's liver numbers, and we have a tentative plan to move forward. These little things and Phoebe helps us put one foot in front of the other.

We hope this weekend will bring rest and recovery for Phoebe. We hope to see some count recovery and we would love to see some smiles. Each day we wake up and anxiously look at Phoebe's labs, hoping for signs of recovery - looking for the strong, healthy and mighty cells that we believe are there. We need them to help Phoebe fight all of these battles. We hope this weekend brings some relief for Phoebe and some help in this fight.

Yesterday evening we spent a lot of time talking with Phoebe's doctor about all that has been going on. We went over all of the test results and at times I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. At the end of the discussion, and after hearing all that stands in Phoebe's way, he said "this is not a hopeless situation". He then went over everything again, this time starting with and focusing on all that Phoebe has done. He talked about her remission, the improved MRI, the strength we are seeing in her left arm after the stroke, and the pure and mighty strength that is Phoebe. Hope is a beautiful thing and although I wish didn't have to cling to it with everything we have, I am so thankful that it is shared.

Please keep our sweet and feisty Phoebe in your thoughts and prayers.

We believe. 

Here is Phoebe, outside for the first time in over two weeks.